What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums This Year?

Certainly my favorite “best of” the year list:

• “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
• PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”
• MATTRESS FOAM
• TURKEY BASTER
• COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”
• CIGARETTE LIGHTER
• BAG OF HEROIN
• LIGHT BULB
• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
• “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT ‘SUCKED IN’”’

I particularly like the light bulb, like that’s where all the good ideas are.

More here. Ear, nose, throat, penis, and vagina included for completeness.

A Christmas Miracle

Finally, an official, high-quality version of this video posted by a record label. I spent an hour one day looking for a good version for you bastards. Anyway, this song is further proof that you don’t have to be an amazing musician, you just have to have amazing songs.

Oh, and if I’m not mistaken, the Music Man StingRay bass was only a couple of years old when this video came out.

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?
I only want a friend who will stay to the end, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I’m in distress, I need a caress, what do I get?
I’m not on the make, I just need a break, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish they’d only happen to me instead
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish they’d only happen to me instead
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?
I only want a friend who will love to the end, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

Well, let me tell you now
(What do I get?)
(What do I get?)
(What do I get?) I get no love
(What do I get?) I get no sleep at nights
(What do I get?) I get nothing that’s nice
(What do I get?) I get nothing at all, at all, at all, at all
At all, at all, at all ’cause I don’t get you

Half Life: Alyx

It’s no exaggeration to say that Half Life is one of the best, most influential PC games ever made – maybe even the best, period. For my money, Half Life 2 is the best in the series; even though it came out in 2004, it still holds up. (I’m replaying it now, as a matter of fact.)

After HL2, Valve decided that episodic games was the way forward, so fans wouldn’t have to wait years and years for the next installment. Half Life 2: Episode One came out in June of 2006, then Half Life 2: Episode Two was included with several other games in October of 2008. It had a hell of a cliffhanger, and then … nothing.

Fans waited patiently – then impatiently – as rumors came and went. Every interview with Valve was an opportunity to inquire about the status of Half Life: Episode Three, but the company always politely declined to comment. Many years passed, and it never materialized. Interest slowed to a trickle as the game became an Internet punchline. So the announcement of Half Life: Alyx is HUGE.

To be clear, this isn’t Half Life 2: Episode Three. Events in this game are set between Half Life and Half Life 2. Hardcore fans will happily take anything – as long as it’s good – and Half Life: Alyx is the perfect game to launch the company’s VR platform. Rather than posting the short teaser trailer Valve released, I thought I’d include this guy’s take. See what you reckon.

The Greatest Internet Comment About Star Wars Ever

Tickets purchased, expectations lowered. Sigh. The Rise of Skywalker is currently hovering at a 53 on Metacritic.

And, submitted for your approval, a rare and wonderfully insightful thought plucked from the Internet. (Birth. Movies. Death., specifically.)

I couldn’t agree more.

If you go back and look at George Lucas’ “Star Wars” from in the context of 1977, it fits right into the canon of New Hollywood greats. But while his contemporaries were pulling from the French New Wave or Italian neorealisim, George Lucas cribbed influences from Kurosawa, Flash Gordon, John Ford, Joseph Campbell. It felt personal, in its own strange way, driven by the point of view of one auteur. As timeless as it seemed, it felt current and relevant to the outside world; its not hard to draw a comparison to the Vietnam war watching Star Wars, fresh on the minds of every American in the late 70s. It took risks, even when it was traveling in cliches and archetypes, and went on to inspire multiple generations of creativity.

But somewhere along the way, Star Wars became just another risk averse IP in our increasingly IP-driven world. As its universe expanded, it ironically put on a cap on the possibilities of what “Star Wars” could mean. It is now Star Wars as product, “market-researched, audience-tested, vetted, modified, revetted and remodified until they’re ready for consumption” as Martin Scorsese recently put it. Where once Star Wars drew on the outside world, its now merely about itself and its finite number of themes and ideas. The films that once showed audiences things they’d never seen before is now just another franchise built to deliver exactly what we remember, forever and ever, until we’re all dead.

Heartwarming Pseudo-Sequel Or Cynical Corporate Bullshit?

I submit to you that it can be both. Here’s the full version of the commercial that aired during yesterday’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

From io9

Xfinity, if you are scratching your head for the connection here, is the digital cable, internet, phone, etc. provider owned by Comcast. Comcast owns NBC, which aired the parade. It also owns Universal Pictures, which owns E.T. So, basically what you’re looking at is major corporation dipping into a considerable bag of tricks labeled “Nostalgic Intellectual Property” and throwing Super Bowl commercial money at it.

A Nasty Repost

Season 2, episode 3 of The Young Ones, featuring Terry Jones as the drunk vicar and musical guest The Damned. (Original air date May 29, 1984.)

Happy Halloween, bastards.