Reading Is Fundamental

What are any of you bastards reading these days? Believe it or not, I put down the band bios for a minute and I’ve been enjoying the hell out of John Dies At The End. It’s got kind of a MIB vibe, if the agents were a couple of twenty-something college dropouts.

In this reissue of an Internet phenomenon originally slapped between two covers in 2007 by indie Permutus Press, Wong — Cracked.com editor Jason Pargin’s alter ego — adroitly spoofs the horror genre while simultaneously offering up a genuinely horrifying story. The terror is rooted in a substance known as soy sauce, a paranormal psychoactive that opens video store clerk Wong’s — and his penis-obsessed friend John’s — minds to higher levels of consciousness. Or is it just hell seeping into the unnamed Midwestern town where Wong and the others live? Meat monsters, wig-wearing scorpion aberrations and wingless white flies that burrow into human skin threaten to kill Wong and his crew before infesting the rest of the world. A multidimensional plot unfolds as the unlikely heroes drink lots of beer and battle the paradoxes of time and space, as well as the clichés of first-person-shooter video games and fantasy gore films. Sure to please the Fangoria set while appealing to a wider audience, the book’s smart take on fear manages to tap into readers’ existential dread on one page, then have them laughing the next.

Oob La Do Do

Anyone going to pick up the remastered White Album? I don’t have $140 laying around, but I’d really like to hear the Esher demos. Also, and I know I will take heaps of abuse for this, I could do without about half that album.

My Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!

The horror, the horror.

Sylvester Stallone designed this pen and watch set a few years ago as part of cross-promotion for The Expendables. The watches ranged in price from $5,000.00 up to $75,000.00!

So, basically the guy who sat next to you in 8th grade study hall is now making pens.

Or …

For the man who has everything … except taste.

Or …

EXOTIC. MAJESTIC. IMPOSING. A pen that feels like a steel dick in your pocket, stabbing your actual genitals.

Shaun!

Funny, then stupid, then funny again. I don’t know why.

Cracked says …

Heavy Rain is an ambitious, complicated and tense murder mystery, which is exactly the sort of game that’s begging for glitches to interrupt the drama like a drunken clown stumbling into a funeral. In the heady emotional climax, protagonist Ethan has found his missing son, Shaun, just in time to stop a serial killer from serial killing him. You’re prompted to hit a button to howl Shaun’s name to the heavens in sheer joy, but what’s supposed to be a touching moment of fatherly love instead turns into a bizarre fit of familial Tourette’s.

Sometimes the prompt to shout “Shaun” shows up and refuses to leave. You can scream it anytime: Ethan yells it at his girlfriend for no reason; he interrupts the villain’s evil monologue with “SHAUN”; he hollers his son’s name in response to getting shot. Later, as Ethan’s lady friend is running from the killer, he keeps screaming “Shaun!” with the voice of a demigod that carries for miles. Eventually, Ethan recovers from his wound, confronts the killer, and blows him away on top of a construction crane. In the pouring rain, he delivers his badass one-liner. It is, of course, “SHAUN!!!”

Dock Ellis & The LSD No-No

On June 12, 1970, Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates. In 136 years of baseball history, only 276 no-hitters have been recorded. Dock is the only pitcher to ever claim he accomplished his while high on LSD.

Swim and Sleep (Like a Shark)

This is one of the singles off of Unknown Mortal Orchestra’s 2013 album, II. Something made me think of it the other day, so here you go. The video is both hilarious and poignant, in my humble opinion.

Sex Pistols At Winterland

Recorded January 14, 1978, at the Winterland Ballroom in San Francisco, CA.

Setlist:
0:00:00 – God Save The Queen
0:04:13 – I Wanna Be Me
0:08:19 – I’m A Lazy Sod
0:10:42 – New York
0:14:25 – EMI
0:18:09 – Belsen Was A Gas
0:20:22 – Bodies
0:25:15 – Holidays In The Sun
0:29:19 – Liar
0:34:15 – No Feelings
0:37:18 – Problems
0:41:56 – Pretty Vacant
0:45:14 – Anarchy In The UK
0:49:00 – No Fun

The Winterland Ballroom, originally called the New Dreamland Auditorium, opened on June 29, 1928. It initially served as a venue for boxing, opera, and tennis matches, but sometime in the late 1930s, it began to be used as an ice skating rink too – hence the name change.

In 1966, world-renowned asshole Bill Graham began renting the 37,675 square foot space for the rock ‘n’ roll, and it hosted concerts by artists including Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, The J. Geils Band, The Who, Queen, Slade, Boston, Cream, Yes, Kiss, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Steppenwolf, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Styx, Van Morrison, The Allman Brothers Band, Big Brother and the Holding Company with Janis Joplin, Jethro Tull, Pink Floyd, Ten Years After, Rush, Electric Light Orchestra, Genesis, Jefferson Airplane, Traffic, Golden Earring, Grand Funk Railroad, Humble Pie, Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band, Robin Trower, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Loggins and Messina, Lee Michaels, Heart, Journey, Deep Purple, J.J. Cale, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, Foghat, Mountain, B.B. King, Elvis Costello, and the incomparable Sha Na Na.

Legal capacity was 5,400 souls, so the Winterland was decent-sized but cozy. It was where Zeppelin first performed “Whole Lotta Love,” Scorsese shot The Last Waltz, and parts of “Frampton Comes Alive” were recorded.

Unfortunately, it also served as a sort of home base for The Grateful Dead, so it had to be torn down. Okay, not really. It was purchased by Consolidated Capitol Inc in 1978, demolished in 1985, and replaced with apartments.