Author: Monkeystador

Enthusiast.
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What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

I love this series.

  • DROPPED COMPUTER TABLET WHILE TRYING TO GET OFF TOILET; PENIS LACERATION
  • SOMEONE STEPPED ON A RAKE AND ITS HANDLE STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLES
  • PATIENT STATES TOP OF 2 LITER COKE BOTTLE PLACED AROUND PENIS WHILE SLEEPING, PATIENT HAD BEEN DRINKING, UNABLE TO REMOVE
  • HALLUCINATING THERE ARE SNAKES IN SCROTUM SO HE RUBBER BANDED HIS TESTICLES SO THEY DON’T ESCAPE; METH ABUSE
  • TESTICLE PAIN AFTER SITTING & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES FOR EXTENDED TIME

Happy 2019, bastards!

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Get Me This

Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon: The Greatest Movie Never Made

He read hundreds of books on the man and broke the information down into categories “on everything from his food tastes to the weather on the day of a specific battle.” He gathered together 15,000 location scouting photos and 17,000 slides of Napoleonic imagery.

He would shoot the film in France and Italy, for their grand locations, and Yugoslavia, for their cheap armies. These were pre-CG days, and he arranged to borrow 40,000 Romanian infantry and 10,000 cavalry for the battles. “I wouldn’t want to fake it with fewer troops,” he said to an interviewer at the time, “because Napoleonic battles were out in the open, a vast tableau where the formations moved in an almost choreographic fashion. I want to capture this reality on film, and to do so it’s necessary to recreate all the conditions of the battle with painstaking accuracy.”

You could make it yourself if you want, as every single bit of information pertaining to the project has recently been published in the form of a book called Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon: The Greatest Movie Never Made. 

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Help Bring Satan To Springfield

The Chicago branch of The Satanic Temple gifted the above sculpture (Eve holding the Apple of Knowledge) to the Illinois State Capitol rotunda this year. As the state cannot censor the content of speech or displays, the sculpture takes its holiday place  near Christmas and Hannukah symbols.

The principles of the Satanic Temple:

  • One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.
  • The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
  • One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
  • The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own.
  • Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs.
  • People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.
  • Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

The rotunda boasts a fine tradition of holiday free-for-all, including a Festivus Pole a few years back.

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We Have A Quorum

[photo by Annie Leibowitz]

L-R: Robocaller, the Dark Lord of Power Pop, Shaq Fu

Handsome Bastards Guild, the (alleged) deep state behind Netflix/Apple/Google/Facebook/Amazon/Crossfit, was briefly seen at a Tennessee mead house recently. Per sources, it was resolved that:

  • more beer please
  • a pilot study will be commissioned to create a bastard logo, with possible tattoo ramifications
  • offshore accounts all moved to Iceland
  • next meeting will be at the beer garden with hand-cranked sausage

Please update yourselves accordingly.

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25 Years Of Conan

Coco’s been at it for a while.

I probably watched more Letterman (I’m an old, old man), but I know enough Conan to be dumbfounded that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Masturbating Bear, and Live via Satellite Famous Person Interview did not make the final cut.