I’m Fatman

Mel Gibson seems to have aged perfectly into this role. As an afficionado of Bad Santa and Futurama’s evil Santa Bot, I’m there.

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums This Year?

Certainly my favorite “best of” the year list:

• “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
• PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”
• MATTRESS FOAM
• TURKEY BASTER
• COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”
• CIGARETTE LIGHTER
• BAG OF HEROIN
• LIGHT BULB
• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
• “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT ‘SUCKED IN’”’

I particularly like the light bulb, like that’s where all the good ideas are.

More here. Ear, nose, throat, penis, and vagina included for completeness.

A Christmas Miracle

Finally, an official, high-quality version of this video posted by a record label. I spent an hour one day looking for a good version for you bastards. Anyway, this song is further proof that you don’t have to be an amazing musician, you just have to have amazing songs.

Oh, and if I’m not mistaken, the Music Man StingRay bass was only a couple of years old when this video came out.

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?
I only want a friend who will stay to the end, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I’m in distress, I need a caress, what do I get?
I’m not on the make, I just need a break, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish they’d only happen to me instead
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish they’d only happen to me instead
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?
I only want a friend who will love to the end, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?
What do I get, oh-oh, what do I get?

Well, let me tell you now
(What do I get?)
(What do I get?)
(What do I get?) I get no love
(What do I get?) I get no sleep at nights
(What do I get?) I get nothing that’s nice
(What do I get?) I get nothing at all, at all, at all, at all
At all, at all, at all ’cause I don’t get you

Half Life: Alyx

It’s no exaggeration to say that Half Life is one of the best, most influential PC games ever made – maybe even the best, period. For my money, Half Life 2 is the best in the series; even though it came out in 2004, it still holds up. (I’m replaying it now, as a matter of fact.)

After HL2, Valve decided that episodic games was the way forward, so fans wouldn’t have to wait years and years for the next installment. Half Life 2: Episode One came out in June of 2006, then Half Life 2: Episode Two was included with several other games in October of 2008. It had a hell of a cliffhanger, and then … nothing.

Fans waited patiently – then impatiently – as rumors came and went. Every interview with Valve was an opportunity to inquire about the status of Half Life: Episode Three, but the company always politely declined to comment. Many years passed, and it never materialized. Interest slowed to a trickle as the game became an Internet punchline. So the announcement of Half Life: Alyx is HUGE.

To be clear, this isn’t Half Life 2: Episode Three. Events in this game are set between Half Life and Half Life 2. Hardcore fans will happily take anything – as long as it’s good – and Half Life: Alyx is the perfect game to launch the company’s VR platform. Rather than posting the short teaser trailer Valve released, I thought I’d include this guy’s take. See what you reckon.