The Other Other German Composer

John Groves, born in Hamburg to English parents.

I came to appreciate his genius when a vintage Mentos commercial recently appeared on one of my devices.

At the time it came out (1992) I had the same reaction as everyone, i.e.
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS. But this being in the before times, prior to Makerbot inventing the internets, I had to simply wonder how the abomination arose, and wallow in ignorance.

But now…
Enter Bastard Research Division.

The candies, in various formats, have been around since the 1930’s, and are owned by the Perfetti Van Melle, an Italian-Dutch corporation. Van Melle hired the ad agency Pahnke & Partners out of Hamburg, to come up with the ad spots. Groves composed the theme, which is available in extended format!!

The bulk of commercials were shot in South Africa, and aimed squarely at the US and Canada.

Viewers who spotted the ads when they premiered in July 1992 were driven to distraction by one intangible: The ads seemed disconnected from actual human behavior, and the song itself was critiqued for appearing to be an English translation that didn’t get the lyrics quite right.  

When Van Melle was asked “what the actual fuck?” they responded coyly, realizing they had a phenomenon on their hands. The less they answered, the more interest there was. Sales went from $20M in 1991 to $140M in 1996, worldwide. In the late 90’s, Altoids caught fire and were blamed for a decrease in Mentos market share.

The singer is allegedly Richard Ryan Graves (aka Frank Ryan), who takes zero credit for it on wikipedia or elsewhere. He was in Hamburg at the time, so he remains a likely suspect.

Mars Junction?

You couldn’t make up the Winklevi; they are so much better than satire.

I enjoy a train wreck as much as the next surly old geezer, but I have not yet sampled the Aoelan cadences of Mars Junction.

Mike Love Raps…


…with predictable results. Even the girls can’t save this sad abomination; I couldn’t make it past one minute. According to this guy, the song was conceived as a duo with Bart Simpson for an upcoming Simpsons movie, but the producers declined, feeling that “Bart, after all, has some standards to uphold.” Indeed. Instead, it landed on Baywatch. I might have saved this one for Loathsome Thursday, but this stands in its own category of awfulness. I hesitated to post it at all.

Are You Loathsome Tonight?

I think I could put almost any modern country song here, as they are nearly all appalling. The dopey two-step beats, the horrible twang, the cowboy hat affectation, the utter lack of curiosity or twist in the songwriting – i.e. it’s funny that you love your country when you haven’t explored it beyond your barn.

Enjoy!

Just Another Loathsome Thursday


For the most accurate description of this foul, embarrassing, overly emotive piece of 70’s “sensitive singer/songwriter” manure, I defer to Dave Barry:

…”Sometimes When We Touch,” sung by Dan Hill, who sounds like he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.

Loathsome Thursday

Meet Loathsome Thursday, the dark step-sister of Catchy Tuesday. We all get confronted by songs that seem fiendishly calculated in all details—dumb melody, bone-headed lyrics, sappy production, cloying singing—to send us into a sputtering, incoherent, lunch-throwing, china-smashing rage. “Wildfire” is one such song for me. Note that YouTube comments are turned off, so I’m not alone, although I will note that other postings have plenty of “greatest song ever written” comments. I will also note that this song was included in Dave Barry’s excellent Book of Bad Songs, where it was pointed out that a killing frost is a light dusting that will kill your tomatoes but not obscure the ground. No one ever “got lost” in a “killing frost” who would not also get lost in July.

I’d love to hear what songs rankle you bastards. Sometimes everything I’ve heard by certain acts gets under my skin. Jimmy Webb (who gets called a genius), Dave Matthews, Michael McDonald, America, John Mayer, The Captain and Tennille…and many more no doubt. A special chamber of horrors gets created when those people cover each other. The Captain and Tennille’s vile minor hit, “Muskrat Love,” was originally by America. Just execrable.

If you enjoy any music or artists I’ve mentioned, please do not take offense, and please continue to enjoy them. The opinions expressed herein are my own and not necessarily those of Los Bastardos Reunidos Media Holdings, LLC.

Hard Pass

Confession… I’m a bit of a horror movie nerd, and I actually like some of what Rob Zombie has put out there. This… this looks awful. I can’t believe that people gave him the go ahead to drop $30 million to produce this. Go ahead and watch this trailer, and let me know if you think this guy ever makes another “film.”